A FEW THOUGHTS ABOUT KILTS
"Oh, this old thing? Why, I only wear it when I don't care how I look." --Violet in "It's a Wonderful Life"
About 3 months ago I decided I needed a kilt. There are several problems with buying a kilt. The first problem is the price of Tartan fabric. Since I don't belong to a band, and I am not ready for formal piping, buying a Tartan kilt seemed like a big waste of money. Also, since I will eventually join a band with its own Tartan color, any Tartan kilt I buy beforehand will be automatically obsolete. Second, I am a big, big guy and at 300 Lbs, would a kilt really work?
I finally decided to go half-way and buy a Utilikilt. I figured that I would go into the Utilikilt store in Seattle and have them measure me so that I would be guaranteed a perfect fit. I walked into the Utilikilt store in Seattle and immediately noticed that something was amiss. I couldn't put my finger on it but the store seemed strange. I selected a few types of kilts that looked like possibilities and prepared to try one of them on. That is when I discovered that the Utilikilt store does not believe in changing rooms. There are no rooms for changing. That is to say....No changing rooms! One changes without a room, that is, in the middle of the big room...Without a little room...A big room with other people. The idea is that (while in the big room) you put on the kilt and slip off your pants discretely from under the kilt. Needless to say, at 300 Lbs, I do nothing discretely.
I put the kilt on over my pants and then raised up the kilt to unbuckle my belt. Sweating with anxiousness like a newbie sky diver at 3000 feet, sitting at the open door of the plane, I took a deep breath, dropped my pants and I was suddenly kilted. I felt breezes where none breezed before. Putting my pants back on was even more of a struggle and it nearly caused me to say "screw it" and disrobe completely, forgoing the formality of the "Kilt/pants" dance. Under the circumstances, I selected and purchased a kilt quickly.
6 weeks later my new kilt arrived and I proudly wore it to work. Now, when one wears a kilt, the first thing that people (mostly women) ask is "what do you wear underneath". I used to respond that "when you are built like me, I think the ensemble really needs...Nay requires a pink G-string". This response only brought on stunned, awkward silence. I don't know if people really figured out that I was joking. Instead now, I explain that in order to reveal what Scotsmen wear under their kilts, I would need to ask another male what he was wearing under his. This I explained would never happen. So the mystery remains.
Well, my home town isn't really ready for kilts, but I haven't given up and I haven't been gay-bashed yet (though I do turn some heads). So it is onward and upward. Now for some nice, knee high socks and shoes with tassels. Loggers watch out!
About 3 months ago I decided I needed a kilt. There are several problems with buying a kilt. The first problem is the price of Tartan fabric. Since I don't belong to a band, and I am not ready for formal piping, buying a Tartan kilt seemed like a big waste of money. Also, since I will eventually join a band with its own Tartan color, any Tartan kilt I buy beforehand will be automatically obsolete. Second, I am a big, big guy and at 300 Lbs, would a kilt really work?
I finally decided to go half-way and buy a Utilikilt. I figured that I would go into the Utilikilt store in Seattle and have them measure me so that I would be guaranteed a perfect fit. I walked into the Utilikilt store in Seattle and immediately noticed that something was amiss. I couldn't put my finger on it but the store seemed strange. I selected a few types of kilts that looked like possibilities and prepared to try one of them on. That is when I discovered that the Utilikilt store does not believe in changing rooms. There are no rooms for changing. That is to say....No changing rooms! One changes without a room, that is, in the middle of the big room...Without a little room...A big room with other people. The idea is that (while in the big room) you put on the kilt and slip off your pants discretely from under the kilt. Needless to say, at 300 Lbs, I do nothing discretely.
I put the kilt on over my pants and then raised up the kilt to unbuckle my belt. Sweating with anxiousness like a newbie sky diver at 3000 feet, sitting at the open door of the plane, I took a deep breath, dropped my pants and I was suddenly kilted. I felt breezes where none breezed before. Putting my pants back on was even more of a struggle and it nearly caused me to say "screw it" and disrobe completely, forgoing the formality of the "Kilt/pants" dance. Under the circumstances, I selected and purchased a kilt quickly.
6 weeks later my new kilt arrived and I proudly wore it to work. Now, when one wears a kilt, the first thing that people (mostly women) ask is "what do you wear underneath". I used to respond that "when you are built like me, I think the ensemble really needs...Nay requires a pink G-string". This response only brought on stunned, awkward silence. I don't know if people really figured out that I was joking. Instead now, I explain that in order to reveal what Scotsmen wear under their kilts, I would need to ask another male what he was wearing under his. This I explained would never happen. So the mystery remains.
Well, my home town isn't really ready for kilts, but I haven't given up and I haven't been gay-bashed yet (though I do turn some heads). So it is onward and upward. Now for some nice, knee high socks and shoes with tassels. Loggers watch out!
posted by Viceroy De Los Osos at 8:55 PM
1 Comments:
I wish I would have discovered UtiliKilts when I was single. They do attract the right kind of attention, I've found.
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